klein-putz.net

Bei VW in der FE wird ein Austauschprogramm gestartet Es werden vier Ingenieure gegen vier Kannibalen ausgetauscht. Bei der Begruessung der Kanibalen sagt der Chef: "Ihr koennt jetzt hier arbeiten, verdient gutes Geld und werdet von uns verkoestigt. Also lasst die anderen Mitarbeiter in Ruhe." Die Kannibalen geloben keine Kollegen zu belaestigen. Nach vier Wochen kommt der Chef wieder und sagt: "Ihr arbeitet sehr gut. Nur uns fehlt eine Putzfrau. Wisst Ihr was aus der geworden ist ?" Die Kannibalen antworten alle mit nein und schwoeren mit der Sache nichts zu tun haben. Als der Chef wieder weg ist, fragt der Boss der Kannibalen: "Wer von Euch Affen hat die Putzfrau gefressen ?" Meldet sich hinten der letzte ganz kleinlaut: "Ich war es." Sagt der Boss: "Du Idiot, wir ernaehren uns seit vier Wochen von Sachbearbeitern und Controllern damit niemand etwas merkt. Und Du Depp musst eine Putzfrau fressen."


Für nicht Insider FE = Fertigung- und Entwicklungsabteilung bei VW, bin aber sicher, das gibt es in jeder größeren Firma *ggg*

boah, beinhart!!! aber guuuuut!

Blondinenwitze Teil II


>
>
> Q: Why don't blondes use vibrators?
> A: They chip their teeth.
>
> Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
> A1: Introduces themself.
> A2: Walks home.
>
> Q: What important question does a blonde ask his/her mate
> before having sex?
> A: Do you want this by the hour, or the flat rate?
>
> Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
> A1: "What's a lightbulb?"
> A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
> A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaaddy!"
>
> Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart
> blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10
> bill. Who picks it up?
> A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa
> Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
> A2: None of them, three don't exist and the dumb blonde thought
> it was a gum wrapper.
>
> Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who
> hits the ground first?
> A1: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
> A2: The brunette. The blonde is such an air head.
>
> Q: What's the difference between a blond and an ice cream cone?
> A: Ice cream cones don't lick back.
>
> Q: What is the difference between butter and a blonde?
> A: Butter is difficult to spread.
>
> Q: What is the difference between a blonde and "The Titanic"?
> A: They know how many men went down on "The Titanic".
>
> Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
> A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
>
> Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?
> A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it
> won't follow you around for a week.
>
> Q: What do you say to a blonde with no arms and no legs?
> A: "Nice tits!"
>
> Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
> A: Reservations.
>
> Q: What do blondes and cow-pats have in common?
> A: They both get easier to pick-up with age.
>
> Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
> A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.
>
> Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her
> thoughts?
> A: Change.
>
> Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair?
> A: They pull up their pants.
>
> Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?
> A: Last years hide and go seek winner.
>
> Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
> A: A whine cellar.
>
> Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
> A: Air bubbles.
>
> Q: What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half
> with yeast infections?
> A: A whine and cheese party!
>
> Q: What do you call a blonde lesbian?
> A: A waste.
>
> Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
> A: Pregnant.
>
> Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher
> learning?
> A: A visitor.
>
> Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
> A: Gifted!
>
> Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their
> head?
> A: All you can eat, under a buck.
>
> Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
> A: An interpreter.
>
> Q: What do you call a blond with a bag of sugar on her head ?
> A: Sweet Fuck All...
>
> Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
> A: Frosted Flakes.
>
> Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
> A: A Space Invader.
>
> Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
> A: Branch Manager.
>
> Q: What do you call a smart blond?
> A1: A golden retriever.
> A2: An indicator of a really bad hangover.
>
> Q: What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
> A: Two tight ends and a wide receiver.
>
> Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
> A: The back of her head.
>
> Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?
> A: Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to
> do...
>
> Q: What do you call a hooker and four blondes?
> A: Regular price, four bucks, four bucks, four bucks,
> four bucks.
>
> Q: What do you call it when a blonde dyes her hair brunette?
> A: Artificial intelligence.
>
> Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
> A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until they
> go down on you.
>
> Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
> A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
>
> Q: What do a bowling ball and a blonde have in common?
> A1: Chances are they'll both end up in the gutter.
> A2: You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them
> in the gutter and they'll always come back.
>
> Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more
> attractive?
> A: Her ankles.
>
> Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
> A: "Have another beer."
>
> Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
> A1: Thanks Guys.
> A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
> A3: Do you guys all play for the (..............)? insert team
> name here.
>
> Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
> A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.
>
> Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
> A: They're both empty from the neck up.
>
> Q: What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?
> A: They both wriggle when you eat them.
>
> Q: What do a blonde and Presdient Gorbachev have in common?
> A: They both got fucked by 10 men whilst on holiday.
>
> Q: What's the difference between a blonde and President Gorbachev?
> A: He knows who the ten men were.
>
> Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip
> cookies?
> A1: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the smarties.
> A2: Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.
>
> Q: What did the blonde's mum say to her before the blonde's date.
> A: If you're not in bed by 12, come home.
>
> Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
> A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well..
> I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
>
> Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
> A: Never mind that! What was she doing out of the bedroom?!?
> R: I don't know.
> A: Neither did she.
>
> Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
> A: To see what was on the other side.
>
> Q: Why did Bush want to send blondes with PMS over to Iraq?
> A: They're mad enough to kill and they can retain water.
>
> Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
> A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally.
>
> Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
> A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.
>
> Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
> A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
>
> Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
> A: So she could lip read.
>
> Q: Why did God create blondes?
> A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
> Q: Why did God create brunettes?
> A: Neither could the blondes.
>
> Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
> A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.
>
> Q: Why did the blond take her typewriter to the doctor ??
> A: She thought it was pregnant becaus missed a period.
>
> Q: Why did the blonde go half way to Norway and then turn
> around and come home?
> A: It took her that long to discover that a 14 inch Viking was
> a television.
>
> Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
> A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it
> blown around too much.
>
> Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
> A: Because it kept falling out.
>
> Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her
> jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
> A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
>
> Q: Why aren't there many blonde gymnasts?
> A: Because when they do the splits, they stick to the floor.
>
> Q: WHATS THE DIFFERANCE BETWEEN A FRIDGE AND A FANNY?
> A: A FRIDGE DOSN'T FART WHEN YOU TAKE THE MEAT OUT.
>
> Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
> A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
>
> Q: Why does it work?
> A: "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"
>
> Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
> A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
>
> Q: What is the blonde's favorite potato chip?
> A: Free-to-lay (Frito-Lay).
>
> Q: What is the blonde's favorite battery?
> A: Ever-ready.
>
> Q: What is blond, brunette, blond, brunette, ....?
> A: A blond doing cartwheels.
>
> Q: Why did the blonde fail her drivers license ?
> A: She wasn't used to the front seat!
>
> Q: Why did she finally pass her test?
> A: She took the examiner with her
>
> Q: Did you hear about the blond who had two chances to get pregnant?
> A: She blew it both times!
>
> Q: What do a moped and a blond have in common?
> A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.
>
> Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
> A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win
>
> Q: Why are blondes so sexually promiscuous?
> A: Who cares
>
> Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
> A: About 2 cans of hair spray
>
> Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
> A: Pick them up off the floor
>
> Q: What's the difference between a lesbian finger-fucking a blonde
> and a Schwinn at the side of the road?
> A: One's a bike in a ditch, and the other's . . . .
>
> Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
> A1: The Blonde!
> A2: The other guys waiting their turn.
>
> Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been
> picked up by 'the fuzz'?
> A: 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'
>
> Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of
> Cheerios?
> A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
>
> Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
> A: Spot.
>
> Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
> A: Air Supply.
>
> Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling ?
> A: A blond electrician
>
> Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
> A1: So brunettes can remember them.
> A2: Because blonds are so SHALLOW a long joke wouldn't fit.
>
> Q: Why wasn't the Virgin Mary a blonde ????
> A: She wouldn't have been old enough to bear children!
>
> Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
> A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
>
> Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
> A: Perri-air
>
> Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
> A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was
> still stuck.
>
> Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
> A: Because she got an F in sex.
>
> Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
> A: Peroxide.
>
> Q: What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg.
> A: Nothing - they've never met.
>
> Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
> A: Data transfer.
>
> Q: What was the blond psychic's greatest achievment?
> A: An IN-body experience!
>
> Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
> A: After a dye job.
>
> Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
> A: Humpme Dumpme.
>
> Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading
> her nametag) ?
> A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"
>
> Q: What did the South African blonde give her boyfriend?
> A: Apart-head.
>
> Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
> A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
>
> Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
> A: 'Cause she's been laid all over the country.
>
> Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
> A: Grade 4.
>
> Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
> A: 144 blondes.
>
> Q: What is the definition of "fuck off"?
> A: The final round of an all blonde beauty contest.
>
> Q: What's the white stuff you find in a blonde's panties?
> A: Clitty litter.
>
> Q: What is a bellybutton for?
> A: It gives a blonde a place to park her gum on the way down.
>
> Q: Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
> A: Because they can't even keep two calves together!
>
> Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death
> in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
> A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
>
> Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?
> A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.
>
> Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
> A: They both drip when they're fucked.
>
> Q: How would a blond punctuate the following?:
> "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
> A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!
>
> Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
> A: It swells at night.
>
> Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm.
> She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
> A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"
>
> Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should
> cut it in six or twelve pieces.
> A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
>
> Q: HOW DOES A BLONDE PREPARE FOR SAFE SEX?
> A: She puts on rubber based lipstick.
>
> Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
> A: Locking the car door.
>
> Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?
> A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.
>
> Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents
> occur within 5 miles of home?
> A: She moved 10 miles away.
>
> Q: SOMEONE ASKED IF A BLONDE BELEIVED IN SMOKING.
> A: She said "Yes, I've seen it done."
>

Es war einmal ein Mann, der unheimlich gern gekochte Bohnen aß. Er liebte sie, aber leider hatten sie immer so eine unangenehme und irgendwie "lebendige'" Wirkung bei ihm.

Eines Tages lernte er ein Mädchen kennen und verliebte sich in sie. Als er sie dann später heiraten wollte, dacht er sich: " Sie wird mich niemals heiraten, wenn ich nicht damit aufhöre." Also zog er einen Schlußstrich, gab die Liebe zu den Bohnen auf und heiratete sie.

An Heiligabend, auf dem Heimweg, ging sein Auto plötzlich kaputt und weil sie weit draußen auf dem Land wohnten, rief er seine Frau an und sagte, daß er später käme, weil er laufen müßte. Als er dann so lief, kam er an ein Café, aus dem der unwiderstehliche Geruch von heißen Bohnen strömte. Weil er ja nun noch einige Meter zu laufen hatte, dachte er sich, daß die Wirkung der Bohnen bis nach Hause nachgelassen haben dürfte. Also ging er in das Café und bestellte sich 3 extra große Portionen Bohnen. Auf dem Heimweg furzte er ununterbrochen.

Als er dann schließlich daheim ankam, fühlte er sich ziemlich sicher. Seine Frau erwartete ihn schon und wirkte ziemlich aufgeregt. " Liebling, ich habe für dich die beste Überraschung zum Abendessen vorbereitet." und band ihm ein Tuch vor die Augen.

Dann führte sie ihn zu seinem Stuhl und er mußte versprechen, nicht zu spicken. Plötzlich spürte er, wie sich langsam und unaufhaltsam ein gigantischer Furz in seinem Darm bildete. Glücklicherweise klingelte genau in diesem Moment das Telefon und seine Frau bat ihn, doch noch einen Moment zu warten. Als sie gegangen war, nützte er die Gelegenheit. Er verlagerte sein Gewicht auf das linke Bein und ließ es krachen.

Es war nicht nur laut, sondern roch auch wie verfaulte Eier. Er konnte kaum noch atmen. Er ertastete sich eine Serviette und fächerte sich damit Luft zu. Er hatte sich kaum erholt, als sich eine zweite Katastrophe anbahnte. Wieder hob er sein Bein und fffffffrrrrrrrrrr!

Es hörte sich an wie ein startender Dieselmotor und roch noch schlimmer. um nicht zu ersticken, fuchtelte er wild mit den Armen, in der Hoffnung, der Gestank würde sich verziehen. Als sich wieder alles etwas beruhigt hatte, spürte er auch schon erneut ein Unheil heraufziehen. Diesmal hob er sein anders Bein und ließ den heißen, feuchten Dampf ab.

Dieser Furz hätte einen Orden verdient! Die Fenster wackelten, das Geschirr auf dem Tisch klapperte und eine Minute später waren die Blumen tot. Das ging die nächsten 10 Minuten so weiter und immer wieder lauschte er, ob seine Frau noch am Telefon sprach. Als er dann hörte, wie der Hörer aufgelegt wurde ( was auch gleichzeitig das Ende seiner Einsamkeit und Freiheit bedeutete), legte er feinsäuberlich die Serviette auf den Tisch und legte seine Hände darauf. So zufrieden lachend, war er ein Sinnbild für die Unschuld, als seine Frau zurückkam. Sie entschuldigte sich, dass es so lange gedauert hatte und wollte wissen, ob er auch nicht gespickt hatte. Nachdem er ihr versichert hatte, dass er nicht gespickt hatte, entfernte sie die Augenbinde und rief: "Überraschung!!!"

Zu seinem Entsetzen mußte er feststellen, dass am Tisch noch 12 Gäste saßen, die ihn entgeistert anstarrten.

Dumm gelaufen!!!!!!!

Blondinenwitze III


>
> I told my blonde girlfriend that I was going skeet shooting.
> She told me she didn't know how to cook them.
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Two blondes are in a dark theatre:
> BLONDE #1: "Hey, the guy next to me is jerking off!"
> BLONDE #2: "Just ignore him."
> BLONDE #1: "I can't. He's using my hand."
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> This blonde and her boyfriend were sitting in a hot tub when
> the blonde said to her boyfriend, "Is it true that if you pull
> your finger out, I'll sink?"
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> A dumb Blonde died and went to Heaven. When she got to the Pearly
> Gates, she met Saint Peter who said, "Before you get to come into
> Heaven, you have to pass a test."
> "Oh, No!" she said but Saint Peter said not to worry he'd make it easy.
> "Who was God's son?" said Saint Peter.
> The dumb Blonde thought for a few minutes and said "Andy!"
> "That's interesting... What made you say that?" said Saint Peter
> Then She started to sing "Andy walks with me! Andy talks with me!
> Andy tells me..."
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Did you hear about the blonde that went to library and checked out
> a book called "How to Hug"? Got back to the dorm and found out it
> was volume seven of the encyclopaedia...
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!":
> "I don't have to think -- I'm blonde!"
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> A blonde walked into a hardware store, picked up the hinges she
> was looking for, and went to go pay for them. The clerk asked her,
> "Need a screw for those hinges?"
> "No, but how about a blow job for the shovel in the back?"
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> BLONDE #1: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?"
> BLONDE #2: "No, who wrote it?"
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Did you hear about the blonde mom who kept an icepack on her chest
> to keep the milk fresh?
> A government study has shown that blondes do have more fun - they
> just don't remember who with.
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> ... then there was the blonde who started the restaurant with the
> slogan "Billions Served - just today"
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Did you hear about the blonde bride that was so horny she carried
> a bouquet of batteries?
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> What about the blonde who gave birth to twins?
> Her husband is out looking for the other man.
>
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In
> the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor
> wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out
> "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would
> like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked
> to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was
> somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said
> she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this
> down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
> The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
> "I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a crew of blondes laying
> sod across the street.
>
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Did you hear about the blonde who:
>
> had more on her body than on her mind?
> was called "Sanka" because she had no active ingredient in the bean?
> took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
> got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
> was an M.D. - Mentally Deficient?
> had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs?
> thought nitrates were cheaper than day rates?
> was told she was a silly puss, but insisted she didn't have a crazy cat?
> after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?
> went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?
> brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
> thought Moby Dick was a venereal disease?
> thought that a sanitary belt was a shot from a clean whiskey glass?
> thought that intercourse was a state highway?
>
> BLONDE #1: "It's embarassing, but every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
> BLONDE #2: "Gee, what are you taking for it?"
> BLONDE #1: "Snuff."
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> BLONDE: "Excuse me sir, what time is it?"
> MAN: "It's 3:15."
> BLONDE: (puzzled look on her face) "You know, it's the weirdest thing,
> I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get
> a different answer."
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> MALE SECRETARY: "Feel free to use my dictaphone."
> NEW BLONDE EMPLOYEE: "No thanks, I'll just use my finger like
> everyone else."
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of
>their Mercedes with a coat hanger:
>
>Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked!
>
>Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder, its starting
>to rain and the top is down!
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the
> bartender:
>
> Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
> Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
> Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
> Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
> Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
> Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
> Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
> Bartender: "What's a 15?"
> Blonde: "7 and 7"
> There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal
> checkups. The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the
> baby conceived ?"
> "He was on top ", she replied.
> "You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed.
>
>
> The second woman was asked the same question.
> "I was on top ", was the reply.
> "you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.
>
> With this, the third women, a blond, burst into tears.
> "Whats the matter ?" asked the doc.
> "Am I going to have puppies ?".....
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Blondes...
> They take a lickin', and keep on...
> Lickin!
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Did you hear the one about the blonde who thought that "love handles"
> referred to her ears?
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> A blonde goes into a bar. The bartender asks her what she would like,
> and she replies, "Bring me a beer."
> The bartender then asks, "Anheuser-Busch?"
> To which she replies, "Fine thanks, and how's your cock?"
>
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> DOCTOR (Taking up his stethoscope): "Big breaths."
> ADOLESCENT BLONDE: "Yeth, and I'm not even thixteen."
>
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw
> a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute,
> she said to herself "oh well !" and turned around an drove home.
>
> On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said
> "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES". By the time she drove eight miles,
> she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
>
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> How about the suicide blonde,
> she dyed by her own hand.
> A brunette and a blonde are walking along in a park. The
> brunette says suddenly, "Awww, look at the dead birdie". The
> blonde stops, looks up, and says, "Where?"
>
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> A man comes home from work one night to catch his blonde girlfriend
> sliding down the banister, naked. He blurts out, "What do you think
> you're doing!?"
> "Just heating up dinner," she replies.
>
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> A man and his blonde girlfriend were fooling around when the blonde
> asked, "Would you mind taking off your ring? It's hurting me."
> "Ring, nothing." he quipped, "That's my wristwatch."
>
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the
> wrong way on a one-way street.
> Cop: Do you know where you were going?
> Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad 'cause all the
> people were leaving.
>
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Hubby: As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we
> could do without the ironing lady.
> Blonde Wife: Well, if you would learn to fuck me properly we
> could do without the gardener.
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> A blonde and a brunette were discussing their boyfriends:
> Brunette: Last night I had *three* orgasms in a row!
> Blonde: That's nothing; last night I had over a hundred.
> Brunette: My god! I had no idea he was that good.
> Blonde: ( looking shocked ) Oh, you mean with one guy.
> There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a
> redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the
> mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced,
> "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles,
> and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and
> she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.
>
> The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if
> she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland
> than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The
> redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam
> out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was
> too tired to go on, so she drowned.
>
> So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it!
> I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles,
> ten miles, 15 miles, NINETEEN miles from the island. The shore
> was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So
> she swam back.
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Teller: Why did the blonde move to L.A.?
> Blonde: I don't know. Why?
> Teller: It was easier to spell.
> Blonde: Easier than what?
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Two blondes were walking through the woods when one looked down
> and said "Oh, look at the deer tracks." The other blonde looks
> and says "Those arn't deer tracks, those are wolf tracks." "No.
> Those are deer tracks." They keep arguing, and arguing, and one
> half hour later they were both killed by a train.
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> The blonde came running downstairs, crying. Her mother asked what
> was wrong and the blonde said her boyfriend had just dropped her.
> Her mother (a blonde) nodded wisely and proceeded to tell her
> about the birds and the bees and the blonde said: "No ma. I can
> fuck and suck with the best of them. But he says I can't cook"
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> A blonde was telling a priest a Pollock joke, when halfway through the
> priest interrupts her, "Don't you know I'm Polish?"
>
> "Oh, I'm sorry," the blonde apologizes, "do you want me to start over
> and talk slower?"
>Three blondes were walking through the desert when found a magic genie's lamp
>t he said, "I will grant three wishes, one for each of you." The first said,
>"I wish I were smarter". So she became a redhead. The second blonde said "I
>wish I were smarter than her." She became a brunette. The third blond said
>"I wish I were smarter than both of them." So she became a man.
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Confucious say: blonde who fly upside down have crack up.
>
> -----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> At a carwash in Burbank, there were two identical Hondas coming out
> at the same time. A beautiful blond woman jumps into one and takes
> off, leaving its owner rather perplexed. About three minutes later,
> she reappears at the car wash yelling, "who ripped off my car phone!"
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Last night I went home to my blonde girlfriend, and told her I was going
>to screw her brains out. Then I realized I was too late.
>
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>A blonde is suffering froma sore throat so she goes to see the doctor.
>She explains the problem to the doctor who asks her to sit down. He gets
>out his torch and says "Open wide". "I can't," replies the blonde,
>"the chair's fitted with arms."
>
>-------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>A blonde friend of mine was looking for some transportation, so I bought
>her a Woody. I called her up later and asked how she like it. She told
>me it was OK, but that it didn't look so good once she had taken it out
>of the crate.
>
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can
>practice safe sex). She walks up to the pharmicist and asks "How
>much for a box of rubbers?"
>"They're $1 for a box of 3," he replied, "Plus 6 cents for the tax."
>"Oh," said the blonde, "I wondered how they kept them on."
>
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Another blonde, another store. She goes over to the deodorant display
>and tells the clerk "I need to buy some deodorant for my husband."
>"Does he use the ball kind?" enquired the clerk.
>"No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."
>This guy just started at his new job, working at a porno shop. His boss
>comes out and tells him that he has to leave for a while, and "can you
>handle it? "The new employee is somewhat reluctant, but with the boss's
>positive comments he finally agrees.
>So, the guy is there by himself for a little while and a white woman comes in.
>She asks, "How much for the white dildo?"
>He answers, "$35."
>She: "How much for the black one?"
>He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one."
>She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before."
>She pays him, and off she goes.
> A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black
>dildo?"
>He: "$35."
>She: "How much for the white one?"
>He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one."
>She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one
> before..."
>She pays him, and off she goes.
> About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are
>your dildos?"
>He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black."
>She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that plaid one on the shelf?"
>He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165."
>She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the plaid one, I've never
> had a plaid one before...."
>She pays him, and off she goes.
> Finally, the guy's boss returns and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?"
>To which the saleman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo,
>one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"
>
>-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Did you hear about the blonde that was so stupid that she played third
> string at a car wash?
>
>-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with a blonde he had
>just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some food to replenish
>his just-spent energy. He pours himself a glass of milk and right before
>drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still pretty hot, so he sticks
>it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blonde walks in
>and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."
>
>-------------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that
> her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him "Head and
> Shoulders" and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively,
>
> "How do you give shoulders?"
>A young blonde woman is asked out on a date and accepts. The boy picks
>her up and they go to a nearby carnival in town. They ride a few rides,
>play a few games, and seem to be generally hitting it off well. During a
>sort of romantic lull, however, the boy says, "What do you want to do now?"
>
>"I want a weigh," she says.
>
>Well, OK, thinks the boy. They walk over to the fortune scales, and weigh
>her. They play a few more games and stop for foods.
>
>"What do you want to do now?" asks the boy again.
>
>"I want a weigh," she says.
>
>Hmmm, a little odd but I'll put up with it, thinks the boy. Again they
>get her weight and fortune.
>
>After yet another few games and an exquisite fireworks show, the boy
>repeats, "What do you want to do now?"
>
>"I want a weigh," she says.
>
>Damn, thinks the boy, she's just too weird for me. They get her weight
>and fortune, and the boy drives her home.
>
>As she walks into the house, her sister asks, "How'd your date go?"
>
>"Wousy," says the girl.
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>How is a blonde like a.......
>
> Hairdryer? Turn her on and she starts to blow.
> Vaccum Cleaner? Turn her on and she starts to suck.
> Light Switch? Even a six year old can turn her on.
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------------
>-----
>
> Person 1: What's the difference between a blonde and garbage?
> Person 2: Garbage gets taken out at least once a week.
> Person 1: Wrong. You tie the garbage up before you take it out.
>
>-------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Did you hear what the blonde who was opening a new bar said when her
> lawyer explained to her that she needed a liquor license?
>
> "Oh, it's not gonna be THAT kind of a bar. That's disgusting!"
>There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio.
>The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde
>was mad enough she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw
>another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped
>her car jumped out and yelled, "You bimbo, it's blondes like you that
>give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you
>what's coming to you!"
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>"How come she got expelled from school?"
>"She was caught cheating."
>"How?"
>"She was counting her breasts during a biology exam!"
>
>---------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Maggie's first pregnancy had produced triplets. With
>considerable pride she was telling her blonde friend how
>this happened once in every 200,000 times.
>The blonde's eyes widened: "Beats me how you ever found time
>to do any housework!"
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state
>capitals (or for Bill Clinton capitols). She proudly said," go ahead,
>ask me, I know all of them."
>A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
>The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."
>
>----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>
> A blonde was walking along, when she looked up to observe a bird flying
> overhead. Suddenly, the bird drops a load when it was directly over
> her. The blonde says, "Good thing I had my mouth open, or that would've
> hit me right in the face!!!"
>
> Or: "Good thing that cows don't fly.

Ein Mann steht des nachts auf, weil er Hunger hat und geht an den Kühlschrank. Dort sitzt ein kleines Männchen drin und spricht: "Erst poppen, dann darfst du essen!"

Der Mann wundert sich, tut aber wie geheißen.

In der nächsten Nacht treibt ihn wieder der Hunger an den Kühlschrank, dasselbe kleine Männchen sitzt dort drin und spricht wiederum: "Erst poppen, dann darfst du essen". Der Mann wundert sich zwar mächtig, tut aber wieder wie ihm geheißen wurde.

Das wiederholt sich noch weitere zwei Nächte, bis es dem Mann zu dumm wird und er seine Frau darauf anspricht. Darauf lächelt sie nur ganz verschmitzt und sagt: "Tja - Bauknecht weiß, was Frauen wünschen!"

Blondinenwitze IV


>
>Great Pick-Up lines to use on Blondes
>
>
>1) That dress would look awfully nice on the floor next to my bed.
>2) Do you want to see something swell?
>3) What do you like for breakfast?
>4) Do you want to fuck or should I apologize?
>5) Say, didn't we go to different schools together?
>6) Why dont you come over here, sit on my lap, and we'll talk about
> the first thing that pops up.
>7) Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us.
>8) Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
>9) Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
>10) You smell wet. Lets party!
>11) If I told you that you have a nice body, would you hold it
> against me?
>12) Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me? I
> thought you knew!
>13) You have the ass of a great artist.
>
>___________________________________________________________________
>
>Worst Pick-Up lines to use, even on a Blonde
>
>1) I just threw up!
>2) You look just like a hooker I know in Detroit.
>3) Miss, if you've lost your virginity, can I have the package it
> came in?
>4) Hey baby! You look like you could suck the chrome off a trailer
> hitch.
>5) I've had quite a bit to drink, and your beginning to look pretty
> good.
>6) Hello Susie! Your mom couldn't make it this afternoon so she
> asked me to pick you up. My what a pretty dress!
>7) Your face or mine?
>8) Nice dress, could I talk you out of it?
>9) I want to floss with your pubic hair.
>10) I'd look good on you.
>11) Excuse me. Have I fucked you yet?
>12) Somebody farted! Lets get out of here.
>A man walks into a bar, with a huge alligator on a leash. He walks over to
>the bar, and orders a beer. The bartender says "Sorry sir. You can't
>bring that alligator in here! It's a dangerous animal, and you're scaring
>all of the patrons! True enough, the man looked around, and noticed that
>everyone was standing on the tables, looking very nervous. "But wait!" he
>cried, "this alligator is tame! It wouldn't hurt anyone!". However, the
>bartender is adamant. "If", the man continues, "I can prove that this
>alligator is not vicious, can he stay?". "Well, I guess so", says the
>bartender, "however, you're going to have a devil of a time proving to
>everyone in here that that alligator is tame!" The man smiles, and leans
>over the alligator. "Ralph!", he shouts, "Sit up!" With that, he beats
>the alligator on the head with his fist "BANG BANG BANG". And the
>alligator rears up on its tail. "Ralph, open your mouth! BANG BANG BANG".
>And the alligator opened it's huge mouth wide, revealing row upon row of
>gleaming white teeth. The man pulls out his wang, and lays it in the
>alligators mouth, as the entire bar crowd gasps. "Ralph! Close your mouth,
>but DON'T BITE! BANG BANG BANG". As the man pummels the alligator on the
>head, the giant mouth slowley closes, and stops juuuussttt short of biting
>the guys dick off. The crowd sighs, and the man says "Ralph, open your
>mouth! BANG BANG BANG!" and the alligators mouth opens wide again. "There,"
>says the man to the crowd, " now would anyone else like to try this?" A
>blonde in the back says "Yeah, I'll try, but only if your promise not to
>hit me on the head so hard".
>
>--------------------------------------------------------------------------
>-
> Blonde Medical Terminology
>
>Anally -- occurring yearly
>Artery -- study of paintings
>Bacteria -- back door of cafeteria
>Barium -- what doctors do when treatment fails
>Benign -- what you be after you be eight
>Bowel -- letter like A.E.I.O.U
>Caesarian section -- district in Rome
>Cat scan -- searching for kitty
>Cauterize -- Made eye contact with her
>Colic -- sheep dog
>Coma -- a punctuation mark
>Congenital -- friendly
>D&C -- where Washington is
>Diarrhea -- journal of daily events
>Dilate -- to live long
>Enema -- not a friend
>Fester -- quicker
>Fibula -- a small lie
>Genital -- non-Jewish
>G.I. Series -- soldiers' ball game
>Grippe -- suitcase
>Hangnail -- coathook
>Impotent -- distinguished, well known
>Intense pain -- torture in a teepee
>Labour pain -- got hurt at work
>Medical staff -- doctor's cane
>Morbid -- higher offer
>Nitrate -- cheaper than day rate
>Node -- was aware of
>Outpatient -- person who had fainted
>Pap smear -- fatherhood test
>Pelvis -- cousin of Elvis
>Post operative -- letter carrier
>Protein -- favouring young people
>Rectum -- damn near killed 'em
>Recovery room -- place to do upholstery
>Rheumatic -- amorous
>Scar -- rolled tobacco leaf
>Secretion -- hiding anything
>Seizure -- Roman emperor
>Serology -- study of knighthood
>Tablet -- small tablet
>Terminal illness -- sickness at airport
>Tibia -- country in North Africa
>Tumour -- an extra pair
>Urine -- opposite of you're out
>Varicose -- located nearby
>Vein -- conceited
>
>
> Revenge of the Blonds
>
>The only problem with women is men.
>Women prefer the simple things in life...like men.
>Boy will be boys but one day all girls will be women.
>Every man has it in his power to make one woman happy...by remaining a
>bachelor.
>Most men prefer looks to brains, because most men see better than they
>think.
>I only wanted to have a child, not marry one.
>The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing
>and then marry him.
>What's the difference between men and pigs?...Pigs don't turn into men
>when they drink.
>The average man is proof enough that women can take a joke.
>Boys will be boys, but men are better at it.
>What do you call a man who has lost 98% of his brain?...A widower.
>They put one man on the moon. Why can't they put them all there?
>What's an orgasm Mom? I don't know...ask your father.
>If you catch a man...throw him back.
>Men call us birds, is that because of all the worms we pick up?
>What is the useless bit of skin of a penis?...A man
>
>
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>I'll get a life when it is proven Troy C. Belding
>and substantiated to be better TROY@JETSON.UH.EDU
>than what I am currently My statements and opinions are not
>experiencing. those of this institution.
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>

und hier eine gute Definition ueber die verschiedenen Weltreligionen...



Taoism: shit happens

Buddhism: if shit happens, it isn't really shit

Hinduism: that shit has happened before.

Islam: if shit happens, it is the will of Allah.

Catholicism: if shit happens, you deserve it.

Protestantism: let shit happen to somebody else.

Zionism: why does shit always happen to us?

Ein junger Mann zieht in die Stadt und geht zu einem großen Kaufhaus, um sich dort nach einem Job umzuschauen.
Manager:"Haben Sie irgendwelche Erfahrungen als Verkäufer?" Junger Mann:"Klar, da wo ich herkomme, war ich Verkäufer." Der Manager findet den jungen Mann sympathisch und stellt ihn ein. Sein erster Arbeitstag war hart, aber er meisterte ihn.

Nach Ladenschluß kam der Manager zu ihm. "Wie viele Verkäufe haben Sie heute geschafft?" Junger Mann:"Einen!" Manager:"Nur einen? Unsere Verkäufer machen im Schnitt 20-30 Verkäufe pro Tag! Wie hoch war denn die Verkaufssumme?" Junger Mann:"201´237 Dollar und 64 Cent." Manager:"201´237 Dollar und 64 Cent!??!? Was haben Sie denn verkauft?"
Junger Mann:"Zuerst habe ich dem Mann einen kleinen Angelhaken verkauft, dann habe ich ihm einen mittleren Angelhaken verkauft. Dann verkaufte ich ihm einen noch größeren Angelhaken und schließlich verkaufte ich ihm auch noch eine Angelrute. Dann fragte ich ihn, wo er denn angeln gehen wollte, und er sagte "Runter an die Küste".

Also sagte ich ihm, er würde ein Boot brauchen. Wir gingen also runter in die Bootsabteilung und ich verkaufte ihm diese doppelmotorige Chris Craft. Er bezweifelte, das sein Honda Civic dieses Boot würde ziehen können. Also ging ich mit ihm rüber in die Automobilabteilung und verkaufte ihm diesen Pajero mit Allradantrieb. Manager:"Sie wollen damit sagen, ein Mann kam zu ihnen, um einen Angelhaken zu kaufen und Sie haben ihm ein Boot und einen Geländewagen verkauft!?!?"

Junger Mann:"Nein, nein, er kam her und wollte eine Packung Tampons für seine Frau kaufen, also sagte ich zu ihm "Nun, wo ihr Wochenende doch sowieso schon am Arsch ist, können sie ebensogut Angeln gehen."

Schnecke - der ist einfach Klasse!!!